Tuesday, July 7, 2015

"A Letter to Luzvi"

"A Letter to Luzvi"
Virgilio F. De leon Jr. MD

It has been a few months and the pain is still here. I wrote this letter for my mom on the 5th day of her wake. I was there in front of her remains as I typed these words. Typing it helped me but I am still in pain with her loss. I am not sharing this for anything. It is still my blog after all and well if I could post my silly thoughts on anything I could surely post about the woman who first loved me unconditionally. 


I was sad that I was not able to talk to you one last time. I was sorry that after seeing you so healthy and happy I was only able to see you lifeless with a group of doctors who were trying desperately to revive you.

I wish that I could have told you that I loved you and that I was there , that you were not alone in all of this. I was there. I wished that you could have opened your eyes and escaped this time around as well like you always did in the face of death.I always believed that you would be lecturing me and reminding me of family ties and bonds for as long as I lived.

I wish you could have said , I love you son to me one last time.I wish you could have told me how proud you are of me one last time. It is only now that I realized that you didnt have to tell me those things  at all. I realized that in all those times that we were not around each other you always talked about me even among your friends or probably even to people whom you have just met. Like Aven and me I knew that you could probably not stay quiet for very long. We all know where we got it.

It hurts but now more than ever I am filled with realizations.
I realized that all those invitations to have breakfast or dinner or to go with you to different places was your way of saying that you loved me and loved my company. I realized that all those times that you relied on me to do the things that you wanted was your way of saying that you trusted me and that I could get all of those things done because you believed I could. I realized that all your life you loved me and was so proud of me beyond anything that I could ever accomplish in this life of mine.

I realized that I was and never was loved less by you in any of the things that I did or accomplished. Of even in the things that I was never able to do or resolve. You loved me even if you did not tell me those words. You showed me. You talked about me. Bragged about me as if I could move the moon and stars. Probably told them that I was important. I probably wasn't important to them but I know that I was important to you and that was all that mattered. 

Ma. I love you and you know that I do. You may or may not hear me at all but I do and it will be hard without you believe it or not. You were a glue to this family and you kept us together.

To everyone else you were Superwoman. Savior.To me you were mom and as often as told you that I would pay you back you always told me that...Bayad na anak. I will try and live a life that you would be proud of Ma. I will be a good husband and Father to Aven. I will be a good Kuya to Aj and Nadine. I will be a good son to Dad. Thank you ma for always loving me. I will see you again. 

your son,

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