"The Path that she took"

 "The Path that she took"

by:

Virgilio F. De leon Jr.MD

It was hard being a diabetic. I woke up to pee at 3am. I made my way from our loft quietly as to not wake my husband , he had pulled another double shiftt most likely and he was slightly snoring on the couch. Since the pandemic we decided that he would sleep on the sofa while me and my daughter would sleep up so that he can come and go as he pleases.

I heard the wooden steps creak a little under my weight. So much for being quiet. My husband turned his head towards the stairs. "It's just me"  , I said and he went back to sleep.

I did my business and flushed the toilet. I went over to my husband whose back was turned toward me. I give him a kiss on the head. I would usually wake him up to ask if he had eaten but by now I know the answer would be , "Let me get some more sleep." And so I backed away and went up the stairs. Making the same creaks as I walked. I really need to get on that diet he was always saying.

I turn off the lights and went back to sleep.

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It was the same time every night. 3am. The lights would go on in the loft. I knew who it was but I pretend to be asleep. I have not been up there since she...Anyway I knew it was her.

This would be the same time that she would wake.

It would be the footsteps next. Creaking wooden stairs with each one that she took. It startled me the first times that this had happened. I would turn to look around expecting that she was still there but in a way she was. My daughter told me that I should move out of this old house. But I simply could not because this was the only place that I knew that she still existed.

Then it was the toilet itself , she would flush , and she would close the lights. This happened now as well and so I waited for the thing that she always does next. 

I felt it like it was the first time it happened. It was a cold presence on my left cheek as I pretended to sleep. People would be afraid of this but I have never felt anything but longingness for her around me. And then in an instant. I would her hear walking up the steps once more. The lights on the loft would turn off and again I would be alone.

I would sit up and sob. I wanted her to wake me up so we could have that late dinner , so that we could laugh at all the funny things that I encountered that day , that she could rant to me about work. It never got easier but like she said I had to do it one day at a time.

There were times that I thought that it was not worth it to be here without her. A world where I don't hear her laugh or see her smile but I imagined that she would give me that stern look whenever I talk about death. She would also smack me in the head. I wish she was here to do that now.

After I have calmed myself I had to go. There were still patients who needed me. Maybe one time I would be careless and I would join her wherever she was at the moment. For now , I will go to where I have felt her the most. This house , the hotels we frequented. For now while the world still needs me. I will stay here.