"This is why I am where I am."

"This is why I am where I am."

by:

Virgilio F. De leon Jr.MD

I work with seafarers every day. Since I have become a doctor this is one of those duties that I have always enjoyed. Mostly because things are clear cut but I guess I had other reasons. One of them is to be able to help my dad if he needs me or if one of his friends ever need me. Now that he is gone I see him in all of my patients from the fresh faced cadets , to those who are newly promoted and to those who are about to retire. I see his face in all of them, imagining how he must have been like as he goes through one physical after another in the course of his career. How nervous he must have been the first time he did it and how as he got older it got even more nerve wracking knowing that a single pending or unfit could screw up plans and delay work for weeks or months when a lot of people were counting on you. I emphatize with the seafarers in this way and probably I am a lot tougher on them as well when they disregard their health issues or even arbitrarily stop drinking medications because they feel like they do not need it. My dad had my mom who was very conscious about their health, their laboratory and check up runs were one of the things they bonded on I believe. Much like my wife and I bond over our grocery and bills payment runs. My dad was also a very wise man who would often worry about the future because it was in his nature to foresee things. He drank his meds though it frustrated him at times and I remember one time when my mom handed him a fist full of pills that included his maintenance meds and supplements. "Di kaya magchemical reaction lahat sa tiyan ko yan?" I had to look at all the contraindications of his meds and supplements to reassure him. He drank his meds but two years after mom has gone I knew that it was slowly eating away at him. Despite appearances he missed her dearly. He would often talk to me about her. Discuss their issues and his sense of loss. I would listen as best as I could. 

In the end I wished that I had been able to talk to him in person when he got back. Planning to see him and actually seeing him finally when he got home were two different realities because we would not be able to see him as we planned for that friday. I try and not picture him in that casket, instead I picture him with my mom knowing that he will find peace there. And for a time I tried to quit my job with seafarers knowing that they would remind me of him so much. I had to take a leave of absence of 6 months to be able to fix a lot of things for him. Even then for him. When I got back I thought that I would not be able to work properly but I was actually happy. I realized after all this time that for as long that I work in this profession I will always remember him and my mom who was constantly with him. The dead are never gone until the last person whom they have touchef in their lifetime is gone. And for as I can work I will always choose this line. All because I will always remember you Mom and Dad.