"The Doubt of Doubt"

"The Doubt of Doubt"

by:

Virgilio F. De leon Jr.

     During my daughters 7th birthday celebration one of my friends said something that almost moved me to tears.He said something about Him just using the things that I have taught him when we were in med school together.

     This guy has been my friend for years and he is now on the verge of becoming the Chief Resident for our schools Surgery program and he goes and says that he still uses the things that I have taught him in medschool when we were still together? It made me want to beam with pride because coming from someone who will almost  finish a program that we both wanted to enter. The sentiment  means a lot to me. It made me want to cry because unlike him who is almost at the end of his journey , I have not even started mine and might not be able to.

     It begins and ends with the board exams this August. I have been far removed from Medicine for the last two years due to life getting in the way of anything. I am now a husband and a dad and the requirements of those two things certainly takes up a lot of my time. I am not about to make my loved ones as an excuse but that's just how it has been for the last 2 years. I have been working and I have been trying to feed and clothe and educate these important people in my life.

     I am happy that my parents decided to extend to me another chance to take the Boards this August , knowing full well that I may or may not pass it. I have not given up on my dream of fixing people up from the inside out its just that right now it is a very daunting task. It has been 2 years since I have read a medical text book or given into tackling any clinical problem(aside from the normal coughs and colds). I have my doubts and I will be coming up against the creme de la creme of all the Medical schools this August. I may not be ready and I guess that is what everyone thinks in their heads going into the Boards. My doubts have a much stronger voice than all these other voices combined but at least there is one voice of doubt to this Large voice of doubt. Its the one that kept on saying..."If he could do it . then why cant you?

If he is ending his journey soon , whats stopping you from reaching out for yours? Whats your excuse now?"

     I find myself listening to this voice more and more each day and this Doubt of Doubt seems to be convincing me. Its roar is getting stronger in my ears. Come August we would know if this little voice of Doubt of doubt was right. In the mean time my nose will be buried in books and my hands will be full of markers and my ears will be plugged to a set of earphones to drown out everything else in the world.