"My Izanami"
by:
Virgilio F. De leon Jr.MD
Have you ever felt like you are trapped in an endless loop? And well like that Genjutsu in Naruro , The Izanami you need to admit that you did something wrong so that you can break free from it but never realized that you are living the same loop because you failed to see your mistakes? Yeah. I really think that I am in one.
My day starts at 6:30 in the evening driving to the Company clinic where I work , on the drive to work I listen to songs or Ted Talks or Writing tips or Commander Deck Techs. I have been doing this since 2014 and often when I reach my destination I plop down in front of my laptop(If there are no pending reports or patients) and write 2-3 articles for my blog post. There is that spark or inspiration that happens on the way to work.
Then came the pandemic and at first I just noticed streets empty my mind went to the post apocalyptic or zombie stories that I wrote and I said to myself . "Nah , I can't write that stuff now. It's just too realistic now with all the empty streets and lack of people in said empty streets.
Then came the other things I wrote about songs and tried to review them , movies , series , Magic cards. There was that overwhelming sense of if I write this would it matter? Would people be reading in this state where all they can think about is surviving? I am also trying to survive with my family intact. And so it became one reason after another.
I would be in my car , be sparked and committed to write something but something happens in that period where I am on duty. It might be the responsibilities or the thought of the future and that anxiety builds or it also might be the things that I have been using to distract myself from all of this.
Needless to say the duties start and end and the things I have promised myself to do remain simply that , a promise. And as I see that I have not fulfilled my personal goals , the days passing and merging it feels like a big burden to write. I developed a dread toward it.
It took me awhile to finally get it but I know how I can break the Genjutsu that I am currently in and that is to simply do the thing that gave me the problem. The inability to write. No more excuses and no more planning. Sit down in front of the laptop and write damn it. I might not be where I want to be yet in terms of writing but I have stepped should I say in the right direction. Another step and another should get me there.
And soon I will be free of my Izanami. And maybe finally see where I should be.
